My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You are the jesus of drinking
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
