My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
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