We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
