I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
