tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
