Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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