So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
