i don't like sucking hair
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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