Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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