Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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