the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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