Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
