now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She needs sedatives and a leash
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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