This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
