Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
