I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
