I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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