I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
