what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
