As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
