Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
