At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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