having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
