She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
How external is "for external use only"?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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