she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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