I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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