I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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