if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
These tits shall not be calmed
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
