Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
