Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
