I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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