OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
