Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
