I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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