Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
