whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
