she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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