why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
