Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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