Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
