I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
