My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So here I am, sexting at work.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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