That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Life is so much better after having sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
