i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Of course I have a pirate flag
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
