What did we do last night that was yellow?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
