just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
