I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
