smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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