It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
