I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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